WWJD By Dr. Richard Youngblood
Question:
How do you know what to do or say when a
friend is in grief over the death of a dear loved one? What would Jesus do?
The death of a loved one must be faced by all of us at sometime. The depth of the grief depends on factors like the closeness and length of the relationship, age of the person who died, and circumstances of the death: after a long illness or as a result of a sudden tragedy. While I cannot give a precise formula for every situation, I do believe we can glean some broad principles from the Bible that Jesus would encourage us to apply.
Begin by always
approaching a friend in bereavement with respectful silence. When Job’s friends heard about the tragic
loss of his children, property and health, they came to him and sat with him in
silence for seven days. When they did
speak, their words that were intended to help only made his suffering worse
(Job 2:11ff). Silence seems awkward; we
feel that we are doing nothing and something must be done. But the greatest need at this moment is not for
our words but our presence showing that we care and desire to surround our
friend with love.
We need to learn from Job’s experience and from the words of Proverbs
29:20, “Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than
for him.” There will come a time when it
is appropriate to say something, but don’t rush it. Even then, it may be best to simply say, “I’m
here because I care. I don’t know what
to say.” Your presence alone means more
than you can ever know.
Along
with silence, approach a grieving friend with an openness to listen. A person in grief often has a greater need to
be heard than to hear. This can also be
somewhat uncomfortable for us; but for healing and recovery to take place, our
friends need to be allowed the freedom to express openly their sorrow, pain and
sometimes guilt-feelings or even anger at what has happened. The words of James 1:19 have a special place
in this situation, “Everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak.” Don’t force grieving friends to talk; but
when they show a desire to talk, give your permission by words and
actions. Learn to be a good listener at
this difficult time.
When
the time does come to speak, use words of sympathy and love. Do not feel compelled to express your
opinions, offer simplistic, pious platitudes or explain what has happened. Discussions of theology or interpretations of
the problem of pain and death need to be left to less emotional times when a
person is able to think more rationally.
The wise man warned, “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights
in airing his own opinions” (Proverbs
18:2). On the other hand, the apostle
Paul wrote that we should “carry each other's burdens, and in this way
you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians
6:2). A few verses earlier he had explained
that the “entire law is summed up in a single command: ‘Love your neighbor as
yourself’” (Galatians 5:14). Our words
to those in bereavement need to be expressions of love, concern and of a
willingness to stay with them and do whatever may need to be done.
Finally, nothing can replace prayer in times of
sorrow and tragedy. Before
going to see a friend in grief, pray for the wisdom and guidance of the “Father of compassion and the God of all
comfort” to be with you and your friend (2 Corinthians 1:3).
[Re-published
from Oct. 2007. Send questions or comments to University Church of
Christ, 801 N. 12th,